18 Deep Thoughts about the Presidential Election

Good afternoon, everybody except Pat McCrory:

I’m here with 18 deep thoughts about all three presidential debates and the general election, because sometimes 140 characters won’t cut it. Also I was on a flight during the debate, and I didn’t have the chance to grace the Internet with a live feed of my opinions, so here is my offering of afterthoughts:

• University of Nevada at Las Vegas is the same institution where Tomi Lahren earned bachelor’s degrees in bigotry and yelling; so if that’s what you’re into, I have two words for you: “microphones” and “micro-aggressions.” They’re both real. Learn about them.

• Heads: Hillary. Are we really using a coin toss to decide who leads a televised political discourse? Ohhhhhh, I get it; we’re just trying to emulate George Washington rolling over in his grave after warning against a two-party system. “I think they get the point,” his metallic profile screams as his forehead smacks the back of Martha Raddatz’s unwavering hand. Really, though—a coin toss seems to be pretty juvenile; what is this, a locker room? Oh wait.

• Somewhere in America, Trump and Brock Turner are hanging out in a locker room, snapping a sweaty towel at some poor kid’s ass, while Pat McCrory waits by the door checking birth certificates and hall passes. This kind of behavior isn’t just an affront to women, or athletes, or coaches who have valiantly defended the sanctity of their locker rooms: it’s sexual harassment and a violation of civil rights. Billy Bush lost his job over it—why hasn’t Trump?

• Politicians withdrew their support from Trump after the audio leak, citing legal relationships to women as their reasoning. Oh, so now you want to be a decent human being? Then just be one, regardless of whom files taxes as your dependent. Wake the hell up—you don’t need a wife or a kid or a sister to have a moral compass.

• Hillary is literally me every time someone asks me a question they could have looked up. She is so over having to fact check everything for you. “Google Donald Trump Iraq.” Okay, okay, geez.

• We never found all the remains of Malaysian Flight MH370, but CNN found living, breathing undecided voters? If the media is rigging the election (it’s not), it’s because CNN harbored them in an underground lab with no Wi-Fi, and then brought them above ground to ask pre-written questions at the second debate. How else would you explain that before election season, this was Ken Bone’s only tweet?

• If you’re an uncommitted voter asking a question that you’ve practiced a zillion times in the mirror, how do you even stand the pressure? Do you picture everyone naked, or do you blackout, like in a high school project presentation? Need to know.
• I do not envy the moderators in the slightest, but I do think they should teach a class on crisis communication, considering that’s where we are at this point in the campaign.
• Clinton was just dubbed a nasty woman by someone who also claimed, “nobody respects women more than I do.” Not going to name names.

• Three a.m. tweets follow the same rules as three a.m. drinks: nothing good can happen. Adults need curfews too.

• Trump says Muslims have to fight Islamophobia themselves via “see something, say something,” which basically makes him an 8th grade gym teacher who says, “a little bullying is good for ya!"

• Okay, let’s play charades: one word, six letters—it’s the largest city in Syria. Still no idea? Here’s a hint: Gary Johnson doesn’t know either. It’s Aleppo. If you don’t know, now you know, but you might still have an extremely minimal grasp on American foreign policy as it relates to one of the largest security threats and saturated discussions currently on the political stage. BFD, I didn’t know either, says every 39-year-old Facebook user from the safety of his mother’s basement. Yeah, well, you’re not on the ballot for POTUS.

• What even is on the ballot? Progress and democracy, according to the latest Hillary ad featuring Obama as her BFFL. “There’s no such thing as a vote that doesn’t count,” says POTUS. Also, state and local elections are happening. Learn about them; vote for them—they influence a lot more of your day-to-day life than a president ever will (See also: Pat McCrory’s track record).

• Who is not on the ballot? Bill Clinton. Don't bring him into this.

• Alright, this post has been pretty anti-Trump, so for the sake of journalism, I’ll offer up a criticism to Queen Hillz: Stop giving in to Trump’s antics. You are better than this and you know it! You won’t get votes from slamming other candidates. That’s Twitter’s job, and they’re doing alright—the debate emoji even looks like a toilet. Keep doing the homework and winning the coin toss, but stay on the high road (and I’ll meet you there for #HillHal2032).

• A lot of Americans don’t want to vote for either of these candidates, but they don’t realize that this is the most dangerous decision of all. You, one of the 324 million Americans can vote. You know who can’t? Prisoners, undocumented immigrants, refugees, unregistered voters. That’s a lot of people. You have a privilege. Use it.

• Here is a list of things that are treated like partisan issues that should be bipartisan (aka: this shit matters; your political party doesn’t): women’s rights, child nutrition, affordable health care, safe housing, environmental sustainability, LGBTQ inclusivity, climate change, minority rights, homelessness, Black Lives Matter, maternal health, veteran suicide rates, the presidential election.

• Trump won’t reveal whether he’ll accept the results of the election, which means he still thinks he’s on reality TV, and we’re all puppets at this point. Seriously though, what other choice does he have?

TL;DR: Vote for someone who cares about human quality of live.